In an effort to somehow maintain our sanity while we wait for the 2015 football season to begin, Subway Domer is going on a suicide mission. Instead of yet another profile / prediction / eulogy / gushfest over the roster, we will instead use this time to go through the entire roster with the use of a “suicide poll.” Much like those suicide pools we love in the workplace, a player can only be used once as we “poll” out the roster.
These polls will be about as insane, dumb, and useless as possible- much like this site most of the time. Please take little or no offense to what and/or how these polls take shape. In fact… if you have a poll topic in mind and want it used please send it via email or twitter.
We begin:
TOP 5 PLAYERS THAT WOULD ROB YOU BLIND
5. Andew Trumbetti DE
Probably Italian and from New Jersey. There’s not much more information needed, but word around the social club is that Trumbetti is much more catlike than his appearance would suggest and getting a lot of reps along the defensive line as a freshman means you stole something along the way. At the very least, Andrew would be less “thief” and far more of a mugger as he straight up, wipes your ass out.
4. Torii Hunter WR
Genetics is involved here. Torri’s father may only have 194 stolen bases in 18 seasons, but he has a career 99.3% fielding percentage- so he’s robbed a few cheap singles and homeruns along the way. Science would have us believe that Junior will also steal something along the way. How about… your heart (getting too fucking misty up in here).
3. DeShone Kizer QB
Kizer’s name conjures up images of Keyser Soze. Much like Soze, Kizer will live in the shadows and wait until the opportune time to strike and take everything from you- all while watching your life and/or ship burn to the ground (or coast if you’re into that whole maritime thing). Go ahead and try to corner Kizer- how do you corner smoke? How do you shoot the devil in the back?
2. Mark Harrell OL
How much have you heard about Mark Harrell? Be honest. Could you pick him out of a lineup? How about a police lineup? Yeah, you didn’t pick him and he leaves the police station, goes home and checks the new balance on his off-shore account. A few hours later, DeShone Kizer shows up at his place with Andrew Trumbetti. They drink heavily and laugh at you and your newly broke ass, ass.
1. Corey Robinson WR
A deadly combination of size and kindness makes Corey Robinson the number one threat. As he woos you with stories of charity, an awesome father, and random acts heroic deeds, his wonderful smile hypnotizes you as he takes every dime out of your pocket with his Mr. Fantastic ability to warp the space around him and streeeeeettttcccchhhhhhhh.
