The annual Notre Dame spring game has arrived and they might as well just announce that the offensive line is now made up of leprechauns and the running back group is now an angry herd of brother man-bear-pig’s. Seriously, that might have all really happened this year, and I would know for sure if I actually paid attention this spring.
Was it the early start? Was it the storylines devoid of stories? Am I getting old? Am I getting smartest? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
I blame myself. I blame my fiendish reasoning and ghoulish appetite for absolute truth. Once I sold myself on the idea that spring football is not just a fair barometer of what may come in the fall, but also a lie wrapped in camo coozies and hope, I just could not devote my energy towards the task.
This was a grave mistake. Although my reasoning was sound and my theory smartest and accurate- THIS IS STILL MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL AMERICA. And with that, I give you the Anti-Preview…
Blue-Gold Game
As it is with most every spring game, there are special “rules” for scoring. Very special indeed.
OFFENSE
Field Goal —> 3 points
Touchdown —> 6
Extra Point —> 1
2-point Conversion —> 2
Big Chunk Pass (20+ yards) —> 2
Big Chunk Run (15+ yards) —> 2
Two consecutive first downs —> 2
DEFENSE
Defensive Stop Before 50-yard line —> 4 points
Defensive Stop After 50-yard line —> 2
Turnover Forced Before 50-yard line —> 7
Turnover Forced After 50-yard line —> 3
Forces a Field Goal (Make or Miss) —> 1
Three-and-outs —> 2
Honestly, I’m surprised that there aren’t some kind of special redzone amendments with these rules. The game will begin at 12:30 and will be shown via the sky over Blessed Notre Dame Stadium and NBC Sports Network. There will be four, twelve minute quarters with the last two quarters using a running clock.
IT’S GOING TO BE CRAZY SON!
What Should You Be Drinking?
This has been, and will always be, a beer-friendly website. I make no judgments as it pertains to what brew you choose. Unlike beer snobs, I find it possible for people to make up their own minds as to what is good and what isn’t. So… you’ll never hear me push a certain beer that you ABSOLUTELY have to drink per my orders. That generally means that this section is reserved for a cocktail suggestion- but not this time.
Instead I offer you four choices. Three beers of my choosing or death or whatever you want. Suggestion are much more civilized.
What Should You Be Eating?
I have no idea. The Great Empress, Kiki the UnHoly, is pushing this family closer and closer to being vegans. It’s rough, and I am confused and hungry and scared and hungry and JUST DYING FOR A CHILI AND PEPPERONI BURRITO.
With great shame, I offer this (please pray for me):
What Should You Be Wearing?
I suppose you could wear this years version of THE SHIRT [cue angelic choir] but if you were smart, you could have worn this:
TWEETER
For those coming in to town for the Blue Gold Game…Saturday's South Bend forecast — Partly Sunny with a High of 67 #NotreDame
— Darin Pritchett (@Sportsbeat960) April 9, 2014
And now the bachelor party begins… (@ Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport (MSY) – @no_airport) http://t.co/uK9Eb6eaLd
— Bob (@HLS_NDtex) April 10, 2014
MVP’s
This is a most dubious honor. Who will rise to greatness in the spring game and then don the Cloak of Invisibility in the fall? Or, maybe this year we will see greatness followed by greatness? I guess anything is possible, and I’m too drunk to care.
With the spring game, comes the now predictability of the emphasis on the running game. That means rushing yards and tackles. So now… we pick a running back and a linebacker (dear Jesus let it be a linebacker and not a safety- or oh my god should it be a safety?)
Tarean Folston & Joe Schmidt- for reasons already given. Or maybe Jaylon Smith & Greg Bryant. Or maybe Joe Romano & Kyle Brindza. Dammit. This is too hard.
At The End OF The Day…
The game means less than the previous 5 practice’s, but at least it’s football (scoring system be damned). I want to see what this defense has kind of molded itself into with VanGorder. I want to see a crisp and commanding Everett Golson. I want Malik Zaire to shine brightly. I want Chris Brown to score every touchdown scored. I want Jaylon Smith to mutate into a double mutant. I want Max Redfield to do a pirate dance. I want KeiVarae Russell to look like an All-American. I want Brian Kelly to break a Gatorade jug over his head. A jug of purple gatorade.
I want all of those things. Mostly though, I want fall to arrive. I really don’t care about wishing the summer away, and that is truly saying something with the winter we just had. I want football. I just hope we see some on Saturday. If we do, I bet we win state.
