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The Art Of Surviving The College Football Offseason

So here we sit. It's July and the natives are getting restless. The college football season kicks off on August 29th with a large handful of games (most of which are utterly terrible), but thankfully August will bring us fall camp and a return to some type of normalcy in the world of college football news. Still… people are starting to get edgy waiting for that toe to meet leather.  

So how do we get through it? How in the hell did we make it to July without being arrested for rioting or assaulting some elderly woman in a wheelchair because she was wearing a bedazzled ROLL TIDE sweatshirt (in 90 degree weather no less)? 

HOW ARE WE STILL ALIVE? 

The answer is obvious. Summertime and with the summer comes a host of distractions that make the wait tolerable. There is no doubt that football is the greatest sport in the world and was actually invented by Jehovah's angelic hosts. Because of this distict awesomeness, the sport is played during the best months possible. 

It's a long ass 7 months from the title game to the first game of the season. Here's what happens and how to deal with it…

February

This is easy enough. Shortest month of the year and the month starts with NLOI Day. We spend the entire month talking about recruiting. It consumes us. We still have the NFL to top it off and Valentine's Day to keep other things occupied. 

March

We countdown to the start of spring practice. Articles and message board threads pop up all over the place about, well… everything. Everyone thinks they know what the perfect depth chart looks like for their team, we drool over early enrollee freshmen and like a mob of insane-zombie-sun-worshipers, we start making wild prognostications about the upcoming season. All of this is a defense mechanism of the mind to control our need for actual football.

April

Spring practice continues and OH MY GOD FINALLY THE SPRING GAME!!!!! Despite years and years of evidence that the spring game means jack and shit, as well as being pretty much a god damn snorefest; we cling to this game as the last hit from our footballcaine stash. It's pathetic, but this is who we are. The NFL Draft ends the month for us as we ship off our college football heroes and villians off to the league. 

May

The reality of 4 more months sets in. Summer is coming. If you're into baseball, maybe you immerse yourself in that daily noise. I hope your team has a fighting chance, because that could be just another hell to go along with the college football hell that you're carring inside you. Generally, recruiting is pretty light due to the dead period- so you start surfing the web for anything- maybe you start trolling FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH AN OBLONG BALL COVERED IN A DEAD PIGS SKIN! Memorial Day happens… you start relaxing just a bit. Skies out, thighs out. 

June

The weather is heating up and so is recruiting. You find other distractions. There is still this ache in your gut, but it seems to go away little by little as you drown it with one can of premium American style lager after another.

July

Heartache sets in. You've read every single preseason magazine and you think you're ready. You head to Twitter to talk about it, and that's when you find out that in July, Twitter is a wasteland. OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??!!! Desperately, you turn on ESPN for CFB Live. Now you need a new TV after seeing just 3 minutes of the ridiculous segment about the top teams from the past 25 years tournament holy fuck I need to hide the knives and razors in my house this shit is getting real like Shakespearean tragedy real oh fuck. A body of water helps (lake, ocean, pool, bathtub). You play 8 seasons on EA Sports NCAA Football.

August

The wait is nearly over! You don't even care about how many days there are until the first game. Oh, you may be counting them down, but just the fact that fall camp has started and the NFL preseason games are in full swing, wipes away your hurt and replaces is with an opiate for anticipation. Your eyes swell up with tears as the day finally arrives. Looking like Frodo inside Mount Doom, you settle into the beginning of the season.

That's about as accurate as its going to get in describing this horrible time. The key is to just give into your cravings. If you feel that the only way you will survive another day if the offseason is by sitting down and watching 8 hours of YouTube highlight movies… DO IT. If the only way to get that animal instinct to quiet down is by grabbing a case of PBR's and tossing your empties at the heathen kids in your neighborhood… DO IT.

Don't fight the feeling. Football is coming, and we must prepare accordingly.

The Subway Domer

About The Subway Domer

Warlord and Emperor of the Subway Alumni... also, I do this "dad" thing pretty damn well.

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