With the 2011 season just around the corner, Brawling Hibernian steps into the breach to spew venom at the teams on Notre Dame’s schedule and make a few educated guesses.
Sept. 3, USF Bulls:
The Casey Anthony of college football. They’re from Florida, attractive, dangerous and apparently have a horseshoe crammed somewhere up their collective asses. Throughout their history, it seems the Bulls have had the good fortune to be where they needed to be at just the right time in order to succeed. Be it as an independent in 2001 and 2002, a member of the craptacular Conference USA in 2003 and 2004 and, most recently, the lackluster Big East, beginning in 2005. Given their history of migration to fields of weak prey, one can only assume that, by 2013, USF will be taking off their shoes, gently opening the door and doing the 3 a.m. walk of shame into the Sun Belt.
As most Irish observers have by now pontificated, this is a game Notre Dame should most definitely win. While the majority of people have focused on the ND playing at home and possessing more talent angles, I also offer the fact that, should Skip Holtz pull the upset, Thanksgiving at the Holtz homestead will be as cold and loveless as an Episcopal marriage. With visions of Lou stubbornly refusing to pass the cranberry sauce dancing through his head, Skip calls an uninspired game, allowing the Irish to move to 1-0 with a 27-10 victory.
Sept. 10, Michigan Wolverines:
After having deposed the incompetent tyranny of Rich Rodriguez (picture Kim Jong-il with cheaper swag and a bigger ego), Michigan football seeks salvation in the form of Brady Hoke, a man seemingly constructed of Play Doh, milquetoast and duh. While Rodriguez may have lacked cunning or a functional playbook, he looks like the bastard spawn of Socrates and Vince Lombardi next to the new head coach of the Wolverines.
Despite being led by such astonishing inadequacy, UM has managed to take two of the last three games from Notre Dame, allowing the occasional ironic grin to cross the lips of the douche monopolists of Ann Arbor. The blame for Irish failure can be laid squarely on four factors:
- 1) Notre Dame seriously allowed Charlie Weis to continue on as head coach in 2009,
- 2) For one brief halcyon moment, the words “Tate Forcier” and “impressive” were not separated by “is the polar opposite of,”
- 3) it took ND ¾ of the 2010 season to recognize defense is not an optional part of the game
- 4) Whereas Tate Forcier had merely sipped from the fountain of one-game brilliance, Denard Robinson bathed, guzzled and used it to water his lawn.
This season, the Irish take out the frustration of two straight years of becoming the victim of one Deus ex machina after another in this series and pull out a 23-14 victory. ND moves to 2-0.
Sept. 17, Michigan State Spartans
Last year’s Notre Dame/Michigan State game drew my ire for the following reasons:
Notre Dame lost – no mystery there Michigan State won the game by using the functional equivalent of hitting your opponent with a chair the second he turns his back The sporting press then jizzed their Old Navy khakis over the “gutsiness” of the call And, as if all that weren’t enough – as if the losing and the sucker punching and the verbal fellating weren’t enough of a downpour of suck, then:
The Spartans’ arterially-challenged head coach had to go momentarily tits-up with a heart attack after the game, thus sending sympathy, well-wishes and general good feelings to a team that was already basking in the warmth of undeserved adulation. Well, my friends, this year will be different. Last year, with a far better team (at least until the Spartans took the form of a limping Yorkshire Terrier wandering into rush hour traffic during their bowl game), Michigan State, playing at home, needed the aforementioned WWF villain maneuver to defeat an Irish team which was still finding an identity. Now, after having lost a few players and having to travel to South Bend to play an experienced Notre Dame team, I can’t imagine MSU and Coach Clogs-a-lot taking another win. Irish exact vengeance with a 31-20 victory. Notre Dame stays undefeated and moves to 3-0.
Sept. 24, Pitt Panthers
In the world of sports, there are fun off-seasons and there are off-seasons where you fire your John Holmes-looking coach, only to hire an Ike Turner-aspirant of a replacement before you finally settle on the understudy to every non-descript white-dude-of-a-head coach you’ve ever seen in any sports movie ever. And, with that the Todd Graham era begins in Shitsburgh.
In spite of the fact that Graham managed to defeat the Irish in South Bend with his Tulsa Golden Hurricane squad last season, he faces a tougher task this year. For one thing, Pitt is objectively less talented than a season ago and the Irish only got better from the time they beat the Panthers in 2010. This leads me to conclude that Notre Dame wins this game with relative comfort, 35-17, moving them to 4-0.
Oct. 1, Purdue Boilermakers
If South Florida is the Casey Anthony of college football, surely Purdue is the sport’s Air Supply. Much like the elevator-ready stylings of the Aussie crooners, the Boilermakers enjoyed a few seasons of inexplicable success prior to a slumbering nation shaking off its fog and wondering aloud, “Huh? Really?!” Since that moment of clarity on the part of the wider college football world, Purdue has been, er, all out of wins or, you know, lost in losses. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree, not even the nights have been better in West Lafayette. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll now be drinking a potentially lethally amount of Makers Mark while listening to the first five Iron Maiden albums on ‘repeat’ to try and cope with the awfulness I just put forward. Moving on…
Purdue’s descent back into its rightful mediocrity was all but guaranteed when, upon the retirement of part-time Wilford Brimley impersonator/full-time humanatee, Joe Tiller, the Boilermakers turned to a coach named ‘Hope.’ The type of grasping fatalism the program embodies was perfectly represented in this decision; either that, or Coach Brassballs Badassenberg was unavailable. Regardless, this will not be a good season for noted steroid enthusiast, Purdue Pete. Last season, a still-developing Irish team rather easily defeated Purdue in Brian Kelly’s first game as Notre Dame head coach. This season, a rolling and maturing ND team thumps the dulcet soft-rock sounds of Purdue, 38-13.
Oct. 8, Air Force Falcons
The last time these two teams locked horns, the Falcons managed to achieve the Air Force’s most one-sided victory since Dresden (no word on whether ‘Slaughterhouse-Six’ will be written to recount Notre Dame’s 41-24 incineration in that game). Sure, but that was 2007, the worst year in, like, ever. That was the year every form of bad ju-ju was visited upon Irish football. Things will be different now, right?
Far be it from me to pummel anyone’s gauzy optimism, but until such time as Notre Dame proves it has learned the proper methods of defending the triple-option, games like this will scare the hell out of me. What’s more, Air Force was a damned good team last year. In 2010, they went 9-4 and defeated Georgia Tech, 14-7 in the Independence Bowl. They will return 13 starters, including QB/poet warrior, Tim Jefferson. Jefferson is listed as 6-0 which, as we all know, means he’s 4’11 (Fun fact: Jefferson once managed to sneak into a movie by hiding in a tub of popcorn). Irish defenders should fear the diminutive QB (and check their cinema snacks because, seriously, that guy could be anywhere), as last year he put up impressive numbers, passing for nearly 1,500 yards and rushing for 794, at a healthy 5.2 ypc with 15 TDs. The Irish come out winners in this match-up, but only after a first half which causes heartburn, upset stomach and diarrhea. After being given Pepto intravenously at halftime, ND manages a 37-24 victory to go to 6-0.
Oct. 22, USC Trojans
If you enjoy morally compromised drifters with a Rasputin-like ability to pull tail well beyond their weight class, this is a game you won’t want to miss. Lane Kiffin brings his merry band of thugs, deviants and remedial finger painters to Notre Dame in an effort to exact revenge for their loss to the Irish last season in LA. Sadly, they will succeed.
In 2010, short of defecting to the Trojans mid-game, Tommy Rees did everything possible to hand the game to USC (149 yards passing with 3 INTs against the nation’s 109th-ranked pass defense will do that). In retrospect, only an extraordinarily stout defensive effort and Ronald Johnson’s misfiring synapses allowed Notre Dame to escape the Coliseum with a win. Unfortunately, three of the players who helped make ND’s victory possible (Robert Hughes, Brian Smith and Duval Kamara) have moved on. While other contributors (Michael Floyd, Darius Fleming, Cierre Wood) do return, this will be the game Notre Dame slips. In a hard-fought and disappointing manner, the Irish come up just short and lose, 27-23.
Oct. 29, Navy Midshipmen
In 1988, I attended the Notre Dame/Navy game played in Baltimore’s Memorial Stadium (show of hands: who knew there used to be such a place as Memorial Stadium in Baltimore?). Since, for most of you, 1988 was the year your father’s awkward, Richard Marx-inspired pick-up lines finally combined with your mother’s Bartles & Jaymes-inspired low inhibitions to create their acid-washed love, I’ll just tell you what happened. Notre Dame came into the game 7-0, ranked #2 in the country and just two games removed from their historic victory over Miami. Navy entered the game 3-4, with all three wins coming over IAA (ah, the 80’s) teams. Total dominance by the Irish, right? Not exactly.
Notre Dame flubbed, flawed and fumbled their way to an exceptionally ugly, 22-7 victory, which was closer than the score indicates. Why do I mention this? Well, for one, I’ve been watching ND struggle with the Middies for over two decades now. For another, it highlights the fact that, even in the best of years, Navy cannot and should not be taken lightly. After dropping three of the last four games against the Midshipmen, I’m hoping Irish players have now received that message loud and clear. I think they have. Notre Dame manages to avenge the frustration of the last two seasons with a 35-20 win to move to 7-1.
Nov. 5, Wake Forest Demon Deacons
I’ve never been quite clear as to what a Demon Deacon is actually supposed to be. While the name would indicate some type of satanic cleric, the mascot rolled out by Wake Forest seems to suggest some sort of southern Larry David filled with rage, gin and, very possibly, a history of predatory pedantry. In the pantheon of ‘mascots who scare the bejeesus out of me,’ Rev. Badtouch has attained a very special (read: creepy) place.
As for the game itself, much like the aspiring actor with a face made for radio, the Deacons are an athletic program best made for basketball. While Jim Grobe has somehow uncovered the ACC’s version of the philosopher’s stone, and turned tar-covered guano into gold for a season or two, Wake is better served keeping its focus on the vicissitudes of fortune occurring on the hardwood, rather than the gridiron. Notre Dame, in its first-ever meeting with Wake Forest comes away with an easy 41-13 victory.
Nov. 12, Maryland Terrapins
As families do, my own gaggle of DNA-sharing sadists are quite fond of offering up remembrances of embarrassing incidents in the lives of their membership. One of the stories that has acquired significant staying power (particularly now that the Hibernababy has arrived) involves my issuing displeasure with my parents, social convention and the plastic industry by evacuating my two year-old bowels in my turtle-shaped toy box as a child. In spite of this incident having happened over 30 years ago (and my having no recollection of it taking place), this is the first thing that pops into my head whenever I hear the word, “turtle” (ergo, why I don’t watch ‘Entourage’). As you can imagine, for me, the University of Maryland’s motto, “Fear the Turtle,” has a much different connotation than it does for most people. While most sports fans assume it means the Terrapins might defeat their team, my own interpretation is that one day I may be intestine-deep in coffee, goulash, Taco Bell and Ex-Lax (I don’t know why) when a knowing and slow-moving, shell-entombed reptile will walk by and mouth, “it’s go time.” As disturbing as the prospect of a talking turtle may seem, in my vision, the real concern is the proximity of the nearest bathroom, which is somewhere near Syracuse.
On the field, Notre Dame will be the one, er, dumping on Maryland. The two teams last met in 2002 for the final Kickoff Classic (I was there for that one, too), which ND won 22-0 in Ty Willingham’s first game with the Irish. In 2010, Maryland had a very solid year, going 9-4 and producing both the ACC Rookie of the Year, in QB Danny O’Brien and Coach of the Year, in Ralph Friedgen (who was fired after the season, because the administration at Maryland is both frightened and confused by this word “success,” of which you speak). In spite of the Terrapins’ prior achievements, Notre Dame should be rolling and more than capable of disposing of this plucky gaggle of tortoises. The Irish claim a 24-14 victory to move their record to 9-1.
Nov. 19, Boston College Eagles
If college football teams were equated to communicable diseases (as surely some deserve to be), Boston College would be less population-thinning pandemic and more irritating cold with post-nasal drip that seems to drag on for an interminable period. While so much of their deluded fanbase has seen them as ascendant giant-to-be, or at least iconoclastic party crasher, the reality is that the Eagles have been nothing more than an irritant over the last decade. When the biggest moment in the history of your program can be attributed to good fortune (engineered, of course, by spit-ball hurling Fraggle, Doug Flutie), rather than dominance and skill, it’s hard to think of you as anything beyond the thorn in the lion’s paw.
So, clichés concerning Fredo aside, most years it’s been boredom – and not partisan fervor – I’ve felt when contemplating this match-up. This year’s not much different. Sure, Boston College will probably be better than the team the Irish defeated last year, but so what? Notre Dame will also likely be better, perhaps much better, by this time in the season. While I don’t expect a blow out, I don’t see ND battling to the wire here either. Because they are apathy’s darlings, BC goes down in a fittingly dull manner, 27-17.
Nov. 26, Stanford Cardinal
In a hazy opium den, where blood is spilled and widows are made, the story of Stanford football truly began. It was there, in the typhoid-plagued summer of 1924, that Stanford sophomore, Chilton Von Littlefellow, after three days of consorting with the “dream stick,” and staring into the gaping maw of madness, conceived the Stanford Tree. Campus legend has it that a sweat-soaked Von Littlefellow awoke from a deep slumber screaming, “The tree is eating my face….AND SOUL!!!!!” before rushing to his folio to sketch out the nightmare image that eventually grew into this train-running monstrosity:
I recount this history for two reasons:
- 1) that tree is a walking nightmare
- 2) the same opium den must have been frequented by the sportswriters and coaches who decided the 2011 Stanford Cardinal was a Top 10 team.
True, last year’s model attained a fine vintage, overseen by spit-flecked vinter, Jim Harbaugh. But unfortunately for Stanford fans, in 2011 Harbaugh will be plying his trade in an effort to transform the San Francisco 49ers bathtub gin into a spirit capable of providing fisticuffy drunkenness without its recent attendant after-effects of blindess and self-loathing. Yes, Andrew Luck is back, but he’s one of only 11 starters returning to “The Farm.” Simply put, this ain’t last year’s Cardinal. I’ll be honest, I don’t think Stanford’s even going to be very good next year. While Luck is amazing, they return just two starters on the offensive line and one on the defensive line. Given the importance of line play (I’m told games are won and lost in the trenches), this does not bode well. The big question mark coming into this game is where ND will be in terms of health, condition and spirit after enduring a grueling schedule and cross-country trip to end the season. I think Brian Kelly will have the Irish ready and they’ll slip past an incredibly overrated Stanford team, 35-24.
Summary:
Yeah, that’s right, the guy who (correctly) picked a 6-6 finish in 2009 and has been a wet blanket throughout his time in blogdom is picking the Irish to go 11-1. Anytime a team has a tough defense, solid line play on both sides of the ball, talented depth, experience and good coaching, the needle points up. While I reserve the right to be horrendously wrong, I have this nagging feeling of confidence in this year’s edition of ND football. At the end of the day, I see Notre Dame ending the regular season 11-1, going to a BCS bowl, playing a slightly better opponent and finishing the year, 11-2. While it’s not bringing home a championship, for a team that was 8-5 last year and .500 the previous season, it ain’t too bad, either.
