As astute readers may have noticed, I did not contribute to this year’s Recruiting Spectacular. The reason for this lapse is that the Baby Hibernian was born last week, and I’ve been consumed by boobs, milk and poop for the last few days – it’s been like a German porno sponsored by the American Dairy Council.
While Subway and KGG have done a terrific job in providing ample information for everyone to ingest and commit to memory, I would be remiss if I didn’t say something about what looks to be a great class. Since the analysis has been done brilliantly by my co-bloggers, I thought maybe it would be a nice gesture to welcome this year’s group with an introductory letter:
Dear Berserkers- infected- with- that-crazy-rage-virus-from-28 Days Later-man-that-movie-was-awesome-I-didn’t-see-the-sequel-but-heard-it-totally-kicked-ass-too-I-really-need-to-get-Netflix,
Welcome aboard! As you know, the Notre Dame football program has been enmeshed in a bit of a, shall we say, “down period” for the last twenty or so years. To put that into a broader perspective, imagine that, each morning of your life, you were smacked directly in the forehead by a 2×4. Now add two years to that experience, and you have a rough approximation of what it’s been like to be an Irish fan recently.
I bring this up, not to alarm you, but to make you aware of just how important it is for all of you to not suck when you get here. Don’t get me wrong, on paper, you guys look amazing, but disappointment is a bitter pill which has become all too easy for the inhabitants of ND Nation to swallow over the last two decades. Keep this in mind as you work and prepare. In the back of your head, just know that, all over this great land of ours, the emotional stability of millions and millions of fans hinges on your success. Too much pressure? Maybe. But, if you wanted to play for a program no one cared about, you would have signed with an ACC team (Stephon, you get it, right?).
Anyway, what I really wanted to say is, we Notre Dame fans are really happy you’re all here, and look forward to seeing you dominate your opponents for the next four or five seasons. While each game is important and you take them all one-at-a-time and blah, blah, blah; really focus on delivering your most devastating beatdowns to the Wolverines and Trojans. For you students of history, I’m talking Dresden post-fire bombing or Baghdad post-Mongol stopover type destruction. Also, if any of you can manage to work Subway Domer.com or, more specifically, Brawling Hibernian, into any interview session, that would be awesome. For the first of you to successfully pull off such a maneuver, just know that I will shamelessly promote you to the, literally, dozens of fans who enjoy my work. To make it easier, I’ll even script it for you. Go with something like: “What really motivated me and got me fired up when I arrived on campus was a piece I read by the noted architect of belles-lettres, Brawling Hibernian, over at Subway Domer.” See, piece of cake.
In conclusion, thank you for your commitment, best wishes for much future success and, I really can’t stress this enough, please don’t suck.
Yours most sincerely,
Brawling Hibernian
P.S. If you’re not cool with advertising me or the site via the quid-pro-quo I outlined above, I’d like to offer a second possibility. While being interviewed by NBC, I’d like to suggest any one of the following comments be worked in to a response:
- Am I the only one who thinks it’s kind of fucked up that you guys actually put ALF on the air? I mean, it’s one thing to joke around about something like that, but who really puts a show about a beer-swilling, cat-eating alien who lives with a suburban family, and is trying to bone their teenage daughter, on TV?
- It was really a thrill being able to see Tom Hammond’s head in person? You know, you hear so much about it, but when you see it up close, wow. For you guys at home, I would describe it as “Mt. Rushmore buys a drink for one of the Easter Island statues, engages in some light, flirty banter, ends up getting it pregnant behind a 7-11, and nine months later, Hammond’s head emerges to cause a rather epic solar eclipse.” Also, he sucks at announcing.
- Sooo, Katie Couric; man, that was like a Hindenburg-esque disaster, right? Had she just stuck to knee-touching male celebrities and getting the occasonal on-air colonoscpy, she’d have been fine, you know. My buddy told me she once gave a blumpkin to Al Roker; you think that shit’s true?
