The Brawling Hibernian picks himself up off the canvas and throws down an IBG of brilliance.
1. A young man of 12 arrives in the United States from the city of Moroni, on the island of Comoros. He has never seen the game of football before, but notices you watching a game. He seems to really like watching it with you and asks what team he should cheer for. You, of course, tell him Notre Dame in an attempt to have more company for your misery. He asks, “why Notre Dame?” Without using any of Notre Dame football history prior to 1995 and without spewing off nonsense about academics (which has no real bearing on a football game); give him your best answer. His name is Tonokiuyt Paluifirtaginerto.
First,I would tell my new friend that, in this country, we like better representation from consonants in our names. I would then advise him his new name was “Chip McKenna.” With one cultural indoctrination out of the way, I would begin my next.
The question of why anyone unfamiliar with Notre Dame prior to 1995 would be a fan is nearly impossible to answer; but for me, a line from “The Departed” provides some insight. In the scene Colin Sullivan, knowing he must break up with his girlfriend Madolyn, tells her, “it’s gotta be you that gets out, ’cause I’m not capable.” He then explains why, “I’m fuckin’ Irish, so I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.” That pretty much sums it up. Since I can’t talk about the good times, the best I can offer is that I’m a natural masochist and Notre Dame football offers me the one, true opportunity to feed my addiction to pain without the use of leather, chains or a high-priced dominatrix named Porcelina Van Rupture. Recognizing I’m having this conversation with a twelve year old, I would then begin scouring the place for Chris Hansen and his Dateline crew.
2. If you are anything like me, you trolled around the Notre Dame message boards after the loss to Navy. We don’t need direct quotes, but what was the best line, subject heading, argument- whatever? Should Irish fans be banned from the Internet for at least a couple of days after the game, win or lose?
While I spent an awful lot of time on ND message boards post-loss, I have to confess, I didn’t see much that made me feel better or worse. In essence, the arguments of Notre Dame fans seem to come in two flavors: 1) “Repent for the end is nigh”: Notre Dame sucks, Kelly should be fired, the administration needs to lighten up academic standards, we’re never going to win another championship; 2) “And, and just wait ’til I get to college, man”: Kelly’s won everywhere, Charlie didn’t develop players, our players are entitled and Kelly’s changing the attitude, relax- it’s only been eight games.
In short, the possibility that answers from both categories might be at play seems to elude the great majority of Irish message board debaters. Subtlety and the concept of shades of gray are also severely lacking among our brethren right now. So, yes, I would recommend staying away from ledges, sharp objects and message boards after a Notre Dame game.
3. Tulsa is a scary team after a loss to Navy. Before the Navy game- not so much. Give me your most dramatic nightmare scenario as well as your fairybook ending for this weeks game against the Golden Hurricane. Which one is closest to a possible reality?
Nightmare Scenario: a re-animated Frank Leahy shows up, grabs a clipboard and promptly heads to the Tulsa sideline where he coaches the Golden Hurricane to a 56-3 victory. Afterwards, during his press conference, he addresses my wife by name and, quoting 50 Cent, tells her, “You can have it your way, how do you want it. You gon’ back that thing up or should I push up on it.” She promptly leaves me to join Zombie Leahy for a meal of Brains Fra Paterno followed by hot yoga with Pete Carroll.
Fairytale Ending: Notre Dame wins comfortably 42-21 with a combination of competent running, efficient passing and suffocating defense (two touchdowns are scored in garbage time against reserves).
Closest to reality: I will grudgingly say Scenario Two, but only because Zombie Leahy does not care for Italian food.
4. Most of these IBG’s have had a rather dark tone to them because of the season Notre Dame is having. If we would have beat Navy, we would be 5-3 and riding a 4 game winning streak. I had rather hoped to use that cheerfulness, and ask a few light-hearted questions. Seeing as how we lost, I think we need these more than ever. They’re not the wittiest questions, but you better answer them:
What college football team would you blog about if Notre Dame did not exist?
A plucky band of never-say-die scrappers who, after pulling themselves up from hardscrabble childhoods, rise to the pinnacle of college football glory, despite being persecuted by an elite intelligentsia bent on their destruction. That team, of course, the Adams College Atoms
Change Notre Dame’s colors. No blues, gold, or green please.
Since Mary and Jesus both have well-established places in the fabric of the school and football program, I think it’s time to work Joseph into the mix. A melange of bright and vibrant colors, resulting in, what can only be described as an Amazing Technicolor DreamUni would be my choice.
Change one play in Notre Dame history. What was it, and how did it help?
Mine is a bit further afield than the standard, “Bercich makes the interception against BC in ’93” or “Notre Dame makes the goaline stand against USC in ’05.” I would have liked to see Notre Dame make the game-winning field goal to beat Tennessee in 1991. For those of you who were in utero, or otherwise preoccupied, at the time, the fifth-ranked Irish came into a home game against the #13 Tennesse Volunteers with just one loss on the season (a 24-14 loss to Michigan in Week Two). Notre Dame got off to a huge start, leading 31-7 shortly before halftime, and that’s when the wheels started to come off. A 32-yard field goal attempt by Notre Dame was blocked and returned for a TD by UT, giving ND a 31-14 lead at intermission. In the second half, the Volunteers swarmed ND defensively, allowing just three points, while rattling off three TDs to lead 35-34. With four seconds left, back-up kicker Rob Leonard entered the game, due to a Craig Hentrich injury, to attempt a 27-yard field goal. Easy enough, even for a second-stringer, right? Not exactly. The ball struck the ass of one of the Tennessee players (I’m not kidding), knocking it off course and delivering the Irish a heartbreaking loss. This was the most devastating loss I’d experienced as a fan to this point. The combination of a blown lead at home, the manner in which the end played out and the subsequent loss of rank, combined for a gut punch. The next week, a flat Notre Dame team was thumped on the road at Penn State, 35-13 before ending the season with a 48-42 victory on the road against a bad Hawaii team (this was the era when they still had rainbows on their helmets). The Irish did, ultimately, upset Florida in the Sugar Bowl that year behind a monster Jerome Bettis performance, but I always wondered what might have been with a win over Tennessee. Had they beaten Penn State (a big if, since the Nittany Lions would end the year 11-2 and ranked 3rd), they almost certainly would have propelled themselves into the heat of the national championship conversation. Whether or not they could have leap-frogged an undefeated team like Miami or Washington is anyone’s guess, but it was at least a possibility. Sadly, thanks to a nearly unbelievable loss, we’ll never know.
Turn one loss into a win, and one win into a loss for one season. What season and what games are they?
I’ll get the more unpleasant out of the way first. Miami makes the two-point conversion in 1988 and beats the Irish 32-31, derailing Notre Dame’s undefeated season. Had that occurred, we’d be talking about how it had been 33, not 22, years since Notre Dame had last won a championship. In some ways, we may have been better off as, at least, we’d have had a much longer stretch to acclimate ourselves to Irish mediocrity.
As for the win a game we actually lost, I’ll go the opposite route and say, BC in1993. While there’s no guarantee we’d have won the national championship that year (there still would have been the matter of a bowl game to play, afterall), we could at least have let destiny more rightly play itself out, rather than being waylayed while on its appointed rounds.
5. Tell me more about this Tulsa matchup. Tell me anything you like- but use at least one real stat.
5.37. That is the number of yards-per-carry Tulsa is currently averaging. For the record, Navy “only” averages 4.9, and that is factoring in their 6.1 ypc performance against Notre Dame. That is all.
6. Phil Steele now has Notre Dame picked to play in the Pinstripe Bowl. The Pinstripe Bowl is in New York City and will be played in Yankee Stadium. Agree or disagree. Give me your bowl scenarios- if there are any.
I don’t honestly care. At this point, if the Irish make a bowl game, it’s going to be a completely pointless endeavor (see: Bowl, Pinstripe) and will serve to do nothing more than allow a bit more offseason practice for a team in desperate need of such a measure.
BONUS—- Please tell me that we can turn this season into a positive learning experience for 2011. How?
This may be more for the fans than the players (at least I hope it is), but I would say to recognize that there are no gimmes on the schedule and each win the Irish achieve ought to be savored as if it were to be their last. Too often, in spite of whatever recent history offers, we see a Navy or Tulsa on the schedule and think, “Ho-hum, Irish romp.” Obviously, at this point in time, the very opposite scenario is just as likely. So, don’t look past teams and, when a win does happen, just enjoy it. Stop over-analyzing, agonizing and “what if’ing” it to death. Wins in college football are hard-earned and, for Notre Dame, perhaps moreso than ever. Just allow yourself the pleasure of revelling in victory without the burdens of minutae taking away the joy.
