This weeks Roundtable is brought to you by Braves and Birds.
Your college football program wants to know how you, its valued customer, thinks of your consumer experience! Please help your program evaluate its performance in the first two weeks of the season! Can you feel the [INSERT NAME OF PROGRAM HERE] difference!?!
1. How would you rate your program’s service to you in the first two weeks of the season?
I would have to say… Mildly Irritating. First I had to wait an extra week, unlike some fans, to watch my team play a lower-tier school. Second, I had to watch that lower-tier team (San Diego State) play their buts off as the Irish struggled on offense and almost pull off the upset that would have killed Notre Dame football.
The Irish won, so it was just a bit irritating and not roof jumping time. Yet.
2. How happy are you with your program’s overall scheme? We are in a period in which the spread has become a total obsession in the media. If you’re a fan of a spread team, are you happy with the way your program has implemented it? If you’re a fan of a non-spread team, do you wish that your program would convert to this Xenu of offenses?
This is kind of contradictory of my first answer, but I am happy with the teams “overall” scheme on offense. It’s a pro scheme, so there are basically 5 plays that come out of 32 formations. In all honesty though, my favorite offense is the triple option.
No spread PLEASE! It’s not that I don’t like it, I do a bit. It’s just that in the last 20 years Notre Dame has gone from the Holtz option, to the Holtz pro/option, to the Kevin Rogers “fucked up wishing it was McNabb offense”, to the Willingham “west coast duck squatting offense”, to where we are now with Weis’s wishing we were more like New England… offense. Enough! Let’s just roll with it.
3. Rate your stadium’s cleanliness and menu options.
The stadium still has that “ancient” feeling even after the mid-nineties renovation. The menu is your basic polish sausage, pretzel, and nacho favorites. No real signature dish.
I don’t care about cleanliness, but I do have several short stories to share. Last year during the most abysmal season in Irish history, I attended the Duke game. Freezing cold out and I had to take a dump sometime in the middle of the first quarter. I entered the restroom with dread thinking I was going to sit on a freezing toilet covered in piss and shit. Instead I found a cozy stall that was very clean and very, very warm. Fucking BONUS!!!
The second story actually takes place just outside of the stadium at the math building. It was against USC last year and as I walked around campus I felt the bubbling guts. Long story short; I ended up in a restroom inside of the math building that had a very large window right behind the toilet. As I was enjoying the dump, I heard a rumbling that was not from my guts. It was the Irish Marching Band marching to the stadium with hundreds of fans in tow. I sat on the John and waved to all of the fans. It was SWEET!
4. As an incentive to provide your valued feedback, you will be entered into a drawing for exciting prizes! What one prize would you like for your program?
National Title. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will be tolerated if a Title is not won in the next year or two. Sad, but true. Give that crystal football…NOW.
5. Since we’re all about choices, take one of the following two options for entertainment’s sake:
a. What’s your most memorable experience involving a comment card?
I’ve never filled one out. Only assholes fill those things out with negative comments. If I feel the need to be positive, I just tip more.
b. If your program were a casual dining chain, which one would it be? Yes, this is a tricky question because the defining characteristic of a casual dining chain is its sameness. No one said this Roundtable would be easy.
Bob Evans? Because a bunch of old people love us?…
Bonus points if you can make a compelling case that your program is Chotchkie’s or Flingers.
Definitely Chotchkie’s. Notre Dame is all about the flair. 12 National Titles, 7 Heisman Trophies, 79 Consensus All-Americans. Not to mention the Gold Leaf plated dome, the contract with NBC and its own deal with the BCS for even more flair… money. That’s F-L-A-I-R.
